To My Dear Kallas and Friends, עמו”ש

I recently came across a powerful insight about communication in marriage that’s not only enlightening for couples, it applies to so many of our own relationships as well.  

Here’s the truth. Conflict is an inevitable part of close relationships. Whenever two people interact deeply, there will be differences and misunderstandings. Sometimes words should be spoken. Sometimes they are best left unsaid.

Often, the arguments we have aren’t really about the thing we’re arguing about. It’s not about the clothes left on the floor, the forgotten prescription, the missed anniversary, too much time on the phone, the baby’s diaper left for someone else to change, the money spent on a vacation, long work hours, or not calling parents to say “Good Shabbos.” 

The real question is: *What am I fighting FOR?*  

Most conflicts in close relationships stem from one of three core needs:  

1. Care and closeness – Do you have my back? Can I trust you? Can I rely on you?  
2. Respect and recognition – Do you value me? Do you see what I contribute?  
3. Power and control – Whose voice matters more? Who makes the decisions?  

While the ‘discussion’ may seem to be about “the thing,” ( the messy house or forgotten anniversary), it’s really about feeling unseen, undervalued, or unheard.  

For example, she might feel like he doesn’t notice how hard she’s working and how much she needs a break (care and closeness), while he might feel like she doesn’t recognize how hard he’s working to save for their future (respect and recognition). Yet the argument becomes all about the distraction – whether to take a vacation.  

If we pause and ask ourselves, *What am I really fighting for?*It can open the door to more meaningful conversations and deeper understanding.  

Let me share an incredible exercise that brings this idea to life:  

One Friday night at camp this summer, we had a classic debate—*in-town* vs. *out-of-town* living. It’s a discussion that often ends with the same conclusion: there are pros and cons to both. But the facilitator tried something different this time. It was brilliant.  

She asked two participants to switch roles. The “in-towner” had to passionately argue for out-of-town living, and the “out-of-towner” had to highlight the benefits of in-town living. What was amazing was how deeply they each threw themselves into their “new” positions. If you hadn’t known they switched roles, you’d never have guessed.  

This simple exercise was a masterclass in perspective-taking.  

Imagine applying this in a conflict. Ask your partner (or friend, sibling, or coworker) to switch roles with you—just for a moment. Let them argue *your* side, and you argue *theirs*. It might feel a little uncomfortable at first, yet it can be so very revealing.  

You’ll quickly gain clarity: Are they feeling a lack of care or closeness? Do they feel disrespected or unrecognized? Are they struggling with a sense of control or imbalance?  

This practice can shift the conversation from discord to connection, and it teaches us so much about ourselves and the people we care about.  

Wishing you meaningful conversations and stronger connections,  

Because, after all, isn’t that what we all crave?