A Guten Chodesh and a Freilechen Chanukah!

There’s something special about this time of year—the warmth of the candles, the deep messages they hold and the opportunities they bring for greater reflection and growth.

Have you ever noticed how when you’re focused on a particular idea it seems to appear everywhere you turn? Whether it’s a new sheitel you’re considering, a parenting challenge, or an area of self-improvement, your awareness seems heightened. This phenomenon has been on my mind lately and a recent Parsha shiur that I heard given by Rabbi Joey Haber gave it even greater significance.

Rabbi Haber addressed the issue of how we speak to or about others who are facing a difficult situation. These individuals are struggling with choices we wouldn’t make, or simply navigating life in ways we cannot or do not understand.

Often, our thoughts and words can be judgmental: “They’re dysfunctional,” “That was a poor choice,” or “They should have done it differently.” What we may not realize is how these attitudes affect not only our relationships with these same people but also the way these individuals see themselves.

Here’s an example: Chana is struggling with time management. She cannot keep things together. Her house is disorderly (a mess?), her laundry is piling up and suppers are often whatever she can quickly pull together at the last minute. She’s feeling down about it and wants things to work more smoothly. She’s in a funk.

One evening, Chana is sitting at the table enjoying a bar mitzvah celebration with women in her own age and stage of life. Across the table, her friend Shifra begins passionately ranting about women who can’t seem to manage.

A bit too righteously Shifra begins, “Women just have to have a schedule. They have to get up at least a half hour before their children to prepare for the day. They need to make a menu and shop on Sunday for every single ingredient they’ll need during the week for their lunch and suppers. Laundry should only be done on Monday and Thursday.” Shifra drones on, detailing why her system is the only way one can stay organized.

As Shifra is speaking, Chana is feeling smaller and smaller. Instead of feeling motivated or inspired, Chana feels even more incompetent. She sees herself as far removed from what Shifra describes as “functional” and begins to feel less and less connected to the women around her – these same women whom (?) she once considered her peers and friends.

This story highlights a crucial point: a judgmental attitude—even (and especially) if unintentional—can create an environment of exclusion and stigma. When we assume everyone should meet a certain standard without understanding their unique circumstances, we risk pushing people further into feelings of isolation and self-doubt.

As we light the menorah and reflect on the miracles of Chanukah, it’s worth considering how we can be bearers of light in our own interactions. Just as the candles illuminate the darkness, so too can our words and actions bring warmth, kindness, and hope to others.

Let’s tune in to how we speak to, and about, those who might be struggling. Let’s strive to think more positively and replace judgment with compassion and criticism with understanding.

Wishing you a Freilechen Chanukah and a month filled with Bracha, inspiration, and meaningful connection.