To My Dear Kallas, עמו”ש

A Guten Chodesh!

Before our oldest daughter left for seminary, a friend shared a piece of advice with me.

“Just remember, not every day is going to be a good day.”

I remember thinking, What in the world does she mean? Of course every day should be a good day!

A little background might help.

This was our oldest of five daughters, and we had spent a lot of time debating whether to send her to seminary at all. Was it really necessary? Was it financially responsible? (Whatever that means!) And, of course, whatever we decided to do for our oldest, we knew we would want (have) to do for the others.

After much thought, we decided to send her.

And let me tell you, for that kind of investment, every day had better be a good day!

As the year unfolded, there were many, many good days. Wonderful days. Days filled with growth, excitement, inspiration, and friendship.

But there were also hard days.

Plans that fell through. The pressure of studying. A complicated roommate situation. Homesickness. Days when things just didn’t go the way she had hoped.

And on those days, I remembered my friend’s words.

Not every day is going to be a good day.

It took me some time to appreciate just how wise that advice was.

Because a day that isn’t wonderful doesn’t mean the experience isn’t wonderful. A difficult moment doesn’t take away from a phenomenal year.

And it was a phenomenal year! So much so that we sent each of our other daughters to seminary as well. And with each one, that same advice came back to me.

It’s okay if not every day is a “10.”

The tears are okay. The frustration is okay. Homesickness is okay.

And perhaps it’s even more than okay.

Perhaps those moments are part of what makes the experience so valuable. Learning to navigate disappointment, work through frustration, adjust expectations, and find happiness even when things aren’t exactly as we had hoped—that’s growth, too.

Over the years, I’ve thought about this advice often, and I’ve shared it many times.

Think about a child’s school year.

A school year is made up of so many individual days. Some are wonderful. A child feels on top of the world. She loves her friends, connects with her teacher, and feels successful academically. Everything seems to be going her way.

And then there are the other days.

Someone leaves her out. A friend says something hurtful. She doesn’t like her new seat. She’s struggling with a subject. She comes home upset, disappointed, or frustrated.

Does that mean she’s having a bad year?

Not at all.

It means she’s having a hard day. Or perhaps a hard week. Maybe even a challenging stage.

But that doesn’t make the whole experience bad. In fact, learning to work through those moments can be an important part of what makes the year a successful one.

I see this in camp all the time.

Four intense weeks, packed with activities, friendships, excitement, and expectations. Somehow, we can begin to expect that every minute should be picture-perfect. Every activity has to be a “wow!” Every friendship, effortless. Every day, the best day ever.

But that’s not how camp works. And that’s certainly not how life works.

There are days when a camper feels a little left out. Days when friendships are complicated. A little homesickness. Disappointment over a bunk assignment or not getting the bed she wanted.

And yet, the summer can still be absolutely wonderful.

Those little bumps along the way don’t necessarily take away from the experience. Sometimes, they’re the very things that help a child develop flexibility, resilience, independence, and confidence.

If we let them.

Recently, I was reminded of this idea in a completely different setting.

A young couple was dating. They enjoyed each other’s company. Their conversations were pleasant, meaningful, and connecting. They felt comfortable together and seemed to share similar goals and direction.

But there were a few moments when the girl didn’t feel that everything was a “10.”

There were times when she wasn’t particularly excited to be there. Once in a while, she thought she might be having more fun with her friends. He told a joke she didn’t find funny. (Or maybe she just didn’t get it!)

And suddenly, those moments seemed to carry an enormous amount of weight.

But when she looked at the bigger picture, she realized that she felt good in his company. She felt safe, understood, comfortable, and appreciated. They connected, respected each other, and enjoyed spending time together.

Did every minute have to be a “10” for the relationship to be something good?

Of course, dating requires thought, clarity, and careful consideration. But it also requires the ability to distinguish between something that genuinely isn’t right and something that simply isn’t perfect every single moment.

Which brings me to an analogy that some of you may appreciate more than others.

Imagine being on a diet and stepping on the scale every couple of hours.

(And for those of you who cannot relate to this example, please have a little empathy for the rest of us!)

What would you see?

Probably not very much progress. There might be some ups, hopefully more downs, and plenty of moments when the number seems to have a mind of its own.

If we judged our success every two hours, we’d drive ourselves crazy!

Real progress isn’t measured in tiny snapshots. We have to step back and look at the bigger picture. Where were we? Where are we now? And in which direction are we heading?

I think the same is true of so many experiences in life.

We can become so focused on a difficult day, an uncomfortable moment, or a disappointing experience that we lose sight of the whole picture.

And when we do that, we risk overreacting to something that may simply be part of the process.

Of course, this doesn’t mean ignoring real problems. If something is consistently painful, unhealthy, or moving in the wrong direction, we need to pay attention, ask questions, and sometimes change course.

But not every bump in the road is a sign that we’re on the wrong road.

Sometimes, it’s just a bump.

And sometimes, navigating that bump is exactly what helps us grow.

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and our children is the ability to look at life with a little more perspective. To allow an experience to unfold without evaluating every single moment. To recognize that something can be very good without being perfect.

Because a wonderful year can have some difficult days. A beautiful summer can have some disappointing moments. And a meaningful relationship can have moments that are less than exciting.

Not every day has to be a good day for the whole experience to be a very good one.

And sometimes, the days that aren’t a “10” are the ones that teach us the most.

Wishing you a wonderful month, filled with many good days—and the perspective to appreciate the whole picture, even on the days that don’t seem so good!